Love is…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong doings. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.[1]
If you have a Christian background, you probably know this scripture off by heart. Might I even say that non-believers who have had no exposure to the Christian religion have an idea of this scripture. It indeed serves a working definition of what love is and its importance in how we live out our faith. So, if we have the template of what love looks like, why is there so much cynicism around love? Why are we not practicing what we preach? Why are there more casualties of love than testimonies? Are we really loving or are we doing something else and masquerading it as love? Do we even understand what love is or rather who love is?
By the way, this is not a theological expository nor is it a devotional on love. Inasmuch as I would love to write the former and delight in the latter, I would rather we focus on the rhetorical questions asked above and figure out how we can find our way back to love. This reflection was inspired by a book I read called ‘All About Love’ by Bell Hooks. After I finished the book, I was flabbergasted and really upset. As a believer, I assumed that I had the cheat code to love and therefore, did not need a secular book to expose my ignorance to what love is. Turns out I was wrong. That was a prideful heart speaking and now, not only do I know better, but I want to do better. I want to learn to love.
Before we dive deep into those questions, I want to begin with a working definition of love that Ms Hooks alluded to. Extracted from the book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’, Bell Hooks defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action”. [2] Essentially, the idea is that love has three elements: choice, commitment, and action. If there is will, then that means there is choice, commitment to the growth of others and from that flows the action. This expansion of love gives hope because we do not have to depend on some mystical force which pushes us and we ‘fall’ in love, but rather we make a sensible choice to step into love. We consider how our actions will affect the other person and we intentionally seek to make their lives better. We do love more than just feel love. Even if you use the five love languages as a basis of love’s expression, you will realize that nothing about love is as passive as we often assume it to be. Therefore, when we claim to ‘love’ someone, we need to ask ourselves what is it about our actions that exudes love. For most of us, we would realize that there is very little love and very much cathexis — a pathological investment of one’s mental and emotional energy into another — which often leads to a one-sided relationship that is doomed for disaster and disappointment.
With all this in mind, let us think about the current narratives around love that exist today. Before I continue, let me clarify that this thesis discussion is not limited to romantic love. As a newly committed student of love, I want us to think about love in all its facets and expressions: love for our colleagues, family members and friends. Essentially, loving thy neighbour — whoever that may be. Now, back to the culture: many people are very cynical when it comes to love. There could be many reasons why, but one that struck me was fear. For some of us, the idea of loving other people exposes our inherent neediness for reciprocal affection. As social beings, we were created for vulnerability and so when we commit to love — actionable love — we run the risk of never having it reciprocated. For instance, I am a glutton for platonic friendships, and I am committed to chosen families. However, I have quite a few horror stories of how I had my heart stomped on by people whom I thought we would be friends for life. Therefore, for some people, they may take that as ‘once bitten, twice shy’ and vow to be cold and impermeable to love again. Though one might assume that there is wisdom to that, it actually is cowardice masquerading as bravery. As a Christian, it is also unbiblical because there is no fear in love as perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
Another reason is that we are selfish, which is counter the definition of love as ‘not self-seeking’. Our society has reduced love to a transaction. Even the whole idea behind a day such as Valentines for example is to make money off of unknowing hopeless romantics who are convinced that a bunch of dying flowers and diabetes-causing sweets suffice as a token of affection. By the way, I am not entirely against the sentiment behind it — just the history and ignorance around it. Nonetheless, whenever we ‘feel’ unloved, we withhold love — which is a form of abuse that none of us are willing to take responsibility for. Again, no judgement from me. I am the former queen of passive-aggresiva — a land that I ruled with an egocentric agenda and quickness to cut people off. However, the Word of God led me to repent of my self-centredness when it comes to love. We are not told to love and then wait for others to do the same. We love, then love, then love and love some more. If it is reciprocated, awesome. If not, we continue loving.
One final reason for the lack of love that is highly prevalent in the body of Christ is unbelief. Many people who do not love liberally, possess an underlying unbelief in the unconditional love of God. This is a very tough one, but for many a believer, the unrelenting love of God seems too good to be true such that we run away from it. That is, we do not believe it. The consequence of that is we think that we need to earn God’s love. Such warped theology then spills into our horizontal relationships. If I believe that I need to earn God’s love, then surely other people need to do the same to earn mine. That is legalism and such a low level of living in the finished work of the cross. We need to accept that God not only forgave us our sins, but He did so out of love. Love that requires no reimbursement. Love that was sacrificial for Him. Love that is unchanging and love that actually cares about the individual. I am convinced that when we wholly receive God’s love, we become free to give it out without reproach. We do not wait to be loved to give love. To show love. To do love. Because we have seen Love Himself, we become love in ourselves. Paul Washer once said, ‘if your religion is not accused of being antinomianism, it’s probably legalism.’
So here is a challenge: from this Valentines’ Day onwards, let us choose to love. Let us not hold back. Will it hurt us? Maybe. Vulnerability always carries the risk of injury — but it is better than living life cold to love and dead to affection. Let us also commit to love. Choice calls into question commitment: will I commit to my choice? Am I resolute in my decision? If you cannot give an emphatic yes, then you need to rethink your choice. Finally, let us act in love. The modern truism still holds; actions speak louder than words. Furthermore, do tell the truth in love. Nothing about love equilibrates to placating people’s fragile emotions or tolerating people’s sin. Remember that love celebrates with the truth which means that being delusional is anything but love. If anything, it brings into question your sanity. Consider the facts, filter them with truth and put others first. I think that will help us navigate the way back to love.
I have resolved in my heart that from now on, I will not hold back. Of course, caution will be taken because thank God I still have a functional amygdala [3]. However, I will not allow my fear of disappointment overshadow my capacity to love. I am choosing to love. Committing to love. Acting for love. This is my step of faith: because I know that God really loves me, I will really love people. Without fear. Without fail. Heartily. Lavishly. Because I know Who Love is.
