Girl, chill. He’s not your husband
‘Oh my gosh, friend! Brother X said I looked good in my pink dress and walked me home after church. He’s so good to me!'
'Friend, did you hear his voice? Handsome, talented, and God-fearing — that’s my kind of partner!'
'Did you see how he looked at me? I swear he likes me. We’d be perfect for each other — both saved, both serving, both rooted in the Word. A true kingdom match!'
Sound familiar?
Well, my sister, it should. These are some of the narratives we feed into when there is a guy in the church that we like. I won’t say I’ve been there. I also won’t say I haven’t. What I will say is this is the fastest way to get your heart broken and waste your time. So, to my sisters in the faith who romanticise every platonic relation they have with their brothers, wake up and smell the roses.
One of my all-time favourite movies, He’s Just Not That Into You, centres its plot around the notion that girls should discard their logic and hold onto the hope that what seems to be unrequited love is actually a guy’s way of saying that he is into you. Even when ALL signs and actions clearly prove otherwise. There is a lie that boys simply need you to put yourself out there, and once they’ve looked around, they’ll see that it’s been you all along. I know that this is a secular reference, but from my observations of my sister’s actions, I’d say the same rhetoric is just as pervasive in the church.
A fine-looking gentleman walks through the pews and sits next to you. He innocently compliments the colour of your polka dot dress and walks you to the bus stop after church. Suddenly you are thinking of the names of the God-fearing children you are going to have and the colour scheme of your wedding.
See where I’m going with this? 💁🏾♀️
Because we have been so deeply influenced by pop culture messages around attraction, every encounter becomes the opening scene of your 'how I met your father' story that you'll tell your future grandkids. Then when that guy - who's clearly not that into you - shows the same kindness to other sisters in the church, your tiny heart is shattered into a million pieces.
'Why doesn't he just ask me out?', you ask yourself, crying for someone who never intended to ask you out.
My best friend once said "Movies do us an injustice because they make us romanticise desperation." We put our hearts on the death row of chances that were never going to fair our way.
'But, Mosa, you don't understand. I love him.'
I know, my friend. I know you think you love him and trust me, that feeling is very real. I’m not demonising attraction. Not at all. Attractions are benign and quite frankly, very normal. Charisma is attractive. Influence is attractive. Talent is attractive. A brilliant mind is very attractive. And don’t get me started on kindness. A person who puts the needs of others before his own and is thoughtful? My Achilles. However, we need to diligently guard our hearts.
There is a need to interrogate every attraction you have. Like a suspect in a crime who is about to be prosecuted and tried, you need to gather enough evidence to build a solid case about this attraction. Ask yourself: Do I really like this guy, or am I just bored? Am I craving for attention? Do I simply need comfort? Is this attraction soothing my low self-esteem? Am I dependent on the male gaze because there are some deeply rooted parental wounds that I haven’t dealt with? Am I still hung up on the last church boy who broke my heart, and now I’m trying to redeem my worth by liking someone who doesn’t feel the same way? 2 Corinthians 10:5 charges us to take every thought captive. We need to ruthlessly and unapologetically challenge every thought we have and make it obedient to Christ before it becomes an altar that we sacrifice our time, affection, and attraction to. Inasmuch as we desire to be seen, known and loved, and we long for romantic love just like everyone else, our attractions shouldn’t become our idols.
'Mosa, I’ve done all that, and I still think about him every day. What do I do?'
Well, have you prayed about it? Like, really prayed about it? A few months ago I was studying John 1, when the disciples decided to follow Jesus, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world and Christ turned to ask them a very important question (John 1:37-38).
'What do you want?’
That question hit me like a ton of bricks, and I believe it is still the question at hand. Be honest in your prayers. Do not fear saying,’God, I want him.' Audacious, I know, but I’ve come to really experience the manifest power of God in my most candid prayers. My dear sister, tell God exactly how you feel. Tell God that that boy’s smile adds colour to your day. Tell God that you prefer his presence more than anyone else’s and you don’t mind laughing at his jokes that are not funny. Let go of the fallacy that your prayers have to be perfect and polished. Hebrews 4:14-16 exhorts us to approach God boldly because we have Jesus as our High Priest who sympathises with our infirmities. Our weaknesses. Dare I say, our attractions too. Pour your heart out and watch God meet you at your point of need. There is no need to pray the attraction away. Simply bring it before the Lord and allow him to do a work that only He can do.
I’d also encourage you to tell a mature friend in the faith. Galatians 6:2 says we ought to carry each others burdens so as to fulfil the law of Christ. Be careful, though. Sometimes, our fellow sisters add fuel to our delusions, hence the importance of prayer. My friend and I have something that we call ‘the James 5:16’. After ranting about whatever is bothering us, we pray about it. Trust me, a lot of things have been healed when we biblically and faithfully listened to each other, then interceded thereafter.
James 5:16 NIV
[16] Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
Why am I so challenged to address this matter?
I think that we do the body of Christ a great injustice when we turn every platonic relationship into a 'plot’. We get so caught up in finding the 'one' that we miss out on an opportunity to love our brothers, pray for them, be their accountability, and simply function as the body of Christ. We miss out on being ironed as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:1). Furthermore, we do not get the wholesome experience of meeting ourselves in others. I believe that there are parts of our personalities that can only be unlocked by other people, our brothers included.
Finally, my sisters, I also want us to address breadcrumbing our brothers.
Breadcrumbing is defined as '’giving another person just enough attention and flirtation to keep them interested, without any intention of committing to a deeper relationship.’’ It’s like scattering "breadcrumbs" to lead someone on.
You know, in your heart of hearts that you don’t like this brother. However, he gives you attention, he is thoughtful and overall kind - and may even be soothing your daddy wound - so you keep him close enough to keep wanting, but you’re never going to let him in. That is sinful because you are being a stumbling block, and you’re not being loving. Using our 1 Corinthians 13 definition of love, you’re self-seeking. The Father does not take kindly to the ill-treatment of His children. Stop it. I’m serious.
In conclusion, let us be sure to treat one another with love, respect, and honour the imago dei of every person that we have an interaction with. These are the people that we’re going to live in eternity with, so make sure you live well with them now.
If you’ve read my entire rant, would you be so kind as to give me a few claps (50, if you’re feeling generous)? Do comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. ♥️
