22 + 1
To my 23-year-old self,
It’s been an amazing two decades and some change. You are in the 5th year of your medical degree, you have been blessed with an opportunity to serve the Lord and His people, you have a loving family and awesome friends, and you are not losing your mind…yet. I think it’s safe to conclude that God has truly been good to you and that life is not so bad.
Now, let us address the elephant in the room: you are miserable. I know this is a hard pill to swallow considering all the good things that are happening in your life, and it may seem like you are ungrateful, but let’s just face your reality. You are currently in a deep state of despondence that no word of shallow encouragement could plaster and because you don’t know how to articulate this to other people without being labelled pessimistic, you have decided to live with this tension in isolation. Why are you miserable? Number 1 is the most obvious reason: you despise your birthday because it is a constant reminder that you are literally growing up without parents. I will not even go in too deep with that one because it will remain so until Jesus comes, or you kick the bucket — whichever comes first. Number 2 and the most important one: it seems like God is giving you blessings you never asked for and intentionally ignoring the ones you did request. Now, let me clarify that before you accuse me of blasphemy. God answers all prayers — either yes or no — but it seems like all your desires are in the no/not now/silent treatment department, so you are close to depleting your hope. In the meantime, He has placed His divine-sized burdens in your mortal-sized hands. Burdens that are causing both pain and pleasure. Burdens that seem glorious from an audience but are paralysing to you. With all of that happening, you then lift up your eyes and observe that other 22-plus year-olds are living the reality of your dreams. You seem to relate a lot to what Asaph was going through in Psalm 73. So of course, you are miserable. That kind of observation could make any normal human being loathe their circumstances and even lose their faith.
Therefore, I want you to consider this as you explore this year and (possible) future years to come:
1. Be comfortable with the tension of things not happening the way you desire for them to: The truth is, God is not a genie — He is sovereign. That means He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants, however He wants with whomever He wants. Yet He is holy meaning that He will not fail you. I need you to believe that. God will never fail you, Mosa. Goodness is inherent to His character. Inasmuch as you cannot see where He is taking you, you need to believe that He knows what is best for you. This is going to be an arduous endeavour especially when it seems like God is mocking you by doing for others what you have been asking Him to do for you. At the end of the day, He remains God and His perfect and pleasing will shall forever stand. Embrace the grief of unmet desires and trust that He will never leave nor forsake you.
2. There is nothing wrong with asking for help or even accepting it: Mosa, you are the most difficult person to support because you are convinced that people are incapable of handling you. That is a narcissist trait that you need to repent of. You are going to need all the help you can get. This is going to be the most onerous year of your life, no doubt. Pride will not do you any favours. In fact, it might figuratively kill you. Stop being stubborn and embrace the help. If you cannot receive help from people you can see and touch, how will you surrender to an invisible God?
3. You are worth the effort: Do not sell yourself short simply because you have a history of being disappointed. That is now in the past and you need to move forward. You are not too much for people who want to do too much for you. Yes, as human beings, we are built with capacity and for some, it is easily exhausted. Nevertheless, do not sacrifice your desire for love at the altar of justifying another person’s unwillingness to love you. There is nothing wrong with bidding your expectations. If they are not met, do not hold it against anyone, but do not stay for the sake of being hopeful that things will change. It makes no sense for the daughter of an all-loving God to accept scraps of tolerance packaged as ‘love’ from people. Trust me: you are worth the effort.
4. Be here: Another daunting possibility that you may need to face is that there may be no meaning to turning 23. Yep, I said it. As people, we always want to attribute meaning to things that may well be meaningless. Turning 23 means just that: you have been alive for 23 years. So instead of taking it too seriously, be here. In the now. I am not saying do not have hope for things to come otherwise, I would be driving you away from Jesus. All I am saying is, be young. Life is already tough as it is. Don’t overcomplicate it. No one is going to make it out alive anyway. Use Ecclesiastes 11:9–10 as your guide.
Do I have a remedy for your current misery? I doubt it. Chances are you will be miserable for a little while longer. What I will suggest is this: pray that the misery does not harden your heart. A stone-cold heart is impermeable and cannot respond to God. It is also prone to rebellion and ignorance. Ask that the Lord softens your heart in the midst of your uncomfortable season. Your knowledge of God’s unchanging character will be tested by your constantly changing temperament. Unlike your emotions, God’s goodness is not affected by the unpredictability of life. Hold onto that. Hold on for dear life.
So, here’s to 22 and another 1. Another opportunity to love others the way Jesus loves them. Another learning curve to step up your game as the superstar that you are. Another chance at love that chooses you always. Another shot at enhancing your leadership. Another time of reflecting on the Lord’s consistency in sustaining you and giving Him rightly-deserved worship. Another year with family, friends, and everyone else in between. Here’s to 23.
From me to you,
Happy birthday!
